I love to play golf, and, for the most part I enjoy watching golf on television. I feel a bit sorry for golf commentators, because they so often deal with long stretches of coverage where the only action is people walking. Most manage to fill the time by blathering statistics, telling stories about the players, talking about playing conditions, analyzing players' techniques, and graciously acknowledging the fine video provided by the Goodyear blimp… I mean, the Met Life blimp.
Presumably, network executives hire only the most talented commentators to work on camera. Why settle for less when there must be thousands of people clamoring for the few jobs? As good as they might be, nearly every commentator manages to inject at least some really annoying comments into every telecast. This is excusable-it'd be hard for anyone to fill all that air time without saying something silly. But when a commentator says the same annoying thing again and again, a network executive should intervene.
Here are five of the most annoying things golf commentators say on TV:
Fairway Metals
As long as golf has been shown on television, there have been three general categories of golf clubs: putters, irons, and woods. Woods include drivers (designed to hit a ball a long way off of a tee) and fairway woods (designed to hit a ball a long way off of the ground). Very recently, a fourth category of golf club has emerged: the hybrid (a cross between a fairway wood and an iron).
When manufacturers started making woods out of metal, a lot of TV commentators were confused. They mistakenly thought because the club was no longer made out of wood, that it was no longer a wood! These commentators apparently haven't studied etiology: words arise from repeated use over time. A club designed to hit a golf ball a long way off the fairway is a fairway wood. All of my irons are metal, as is my driver and my putter. If a commentator is going to refer to a wood as a fairway metal, then I expect also to hear “driver metal,” “putter metal,” and the equally brilliant “iron metal.”
Release
As a golfer stands 170 yards from a green and makes a mighty swing, the ball launches into the air, and the commentator chimes in: “Oh, this looks good. It's right on line…” The ball plunges onto the green and the commentator continues: “Now it's got to release!” I ask: “What?”
“Release” is a transitive verb. Roughly defined, a transitive verb is one that cannot stand alone. In the case of “release,” you can release something, but you cannot simply release. Were the ball holding, say, a cow, then the ball could release the cow… but the ball cannot “release.”
I believe that the commentator means the ball needs to roll forward to provide a favorable outcome. Let's get a consultant into the television studio to teach commentators to say, “Now the ball needs to roll forward.”
From Left-to-Right
You hear this so much during a golf telecast that you want to believe it isn't meaningless… but it is. When a commentator says, “This putt breaks from left-to-right,” he or she means, “This putt breaks to the right.” The observation, “This putt breaks from right-to-left” means, “This putt breaks to the left.”
Imagine getting directions from one of these commentators: “You'll drive on route 45 to the convenience store, and turn from right-to-left. Go to the second stop sign and turn from left-to-right. Turn from left-to-right into the third driveway. Yikes.
Conversion
Here's another absurd abuse of English you hear during television coverage of a golf tournament: “She got on in regulation, but now can she convert?” Does the sportscaster expect the golfer to change religions? In fact, the commentator means, “She got on in regulation, but now can she score better than par on the hole?”
Asking, “Can she convert?” implies that the golfer has already achieved something specific and now would like to change it… but all the golfer has achieved is to have gotten on in regulation. Can she convert that into an actual golf score? Of course she can. Can she get a specific score? That's probably what the commentator is asking.
Furthermore
Misuse of the word “further” is, perhaps, the most unforgivable error a golf commentator can make. “Further” has nothing to do with distance. How far a golfer hits the golf ball has everything to do with distance. A commentator who says, “He wanted to hit that shot about ten yards further” even one time should be pulled off the air immediately for remedial instruction in English.
When you make a living talking about how far someone hits a golf ball, do the world a favor and learn to distinguish between the words “further” and “farther.” If you refuse the remedial instruction, then at least make “farther” your default choice. When you're talking about golf, you'll be correct more often than not. For the rest of you: How fur do you think it is from the front of the green to the flag?
